It was 5:30 in the morning when I heard our 100 year old wooden floors creak under the pitter patter of tiny feet dancing into our bedroom. Groggily, my eyes opened to the sound of our two year old squealing, “Mama, Dada!”
Exhaustion washed over me as I looked beside me to find our newest baby girl sleeping soundly and my husband wearily climbing out of bed. From the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of his familiar green flight suit hanging on the door behind him. “Thank God he is home” is all I could think in that moment. With the arrival of a new little baby we had found ourselves in a hard, messy, beautiful season of life. I was more grateful than ever to have my partner trudging through this new territory with me.
Cody, my husband, had been home and would be home for awhile (we hoped). We were getting into a groove even though I knew at a moment’s notice he could be sent to a training or even a deployment. As a military spouse, inconsistency is inevitable. Between moves, night flying, trainings, and future deployments, it can be difficult to find a consistent rhythm at home. Although the unpredictability can be exciting, sometimes it is flat out frustrating. I have found myself actually angry at the entire Air Force thinking to myself, “Don’t they know I need him
home? Why can’t there be any predictability in his schedule?”
Let me be clear, I am unbelievably proud to be a military spouse. I am proud of my husband and I am proud of our military. But I am also human and I am a mom of two little babies and I sometimes selfishly wish our life wasn’t so darn unpredictable.
As many spouses before me, there will be a day when I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet calling our names and I will look over only to realize my husband is away doing wonderful, great things for our country and the weight of our little world at home has fallen on my shoulders, alone. I will be okay. He will return home and for awhile our life will fall into a predictable routine at least for a little bit. However, I am realizing that it is okay for me to not always be okay with this part of our life. I don’t have to fake it til’ I make it. I can be vulnerable and mad all while being supportive and proud.
There is a stigma surrounding military spouses that we are a pinnacle of strength. I mean we knew what we were getting into, right (please note my sarcasm)? Don’t get me wrong, we are incredibly strong but that doesn’t mean we never have weak moments or ever wish our husbands had boring 9-5 jobs.
When I sat down to write this post, I had this beautiful idea of creating a go to list for finding consistency amongst our constant inconsistent state of life. Instead, it became very clear that even five years in, I am still learning what it means to be a military spouse and quite frankly I am struggling to find consistency. But guess what? That is okay. Let’s continue to be strong military spouses but let’s start learning to give ourselves some grace.